별헤는 밤

  어둠이 내린 저녁에, 아인이를 데리고 아파트 앞에 있는 분수대로 나왔습니다. 분수에서 내려오는 물을 아인이는 신기한 듯이 바라봅니다. 물이 떨어지는 소리가 주위의 소리들을 잡아버려서, 물소리만 들리는 듯한 고요한 곳에 온 듯한 착각이 들었습니다.

  밤 하늘의 별을 올려다 보았습니다. LA의 맑은 하늘에 별도 잘 보이는 밤입니다. 한국에서도 똑같이 보이는 별들이겠지요. 이곳이 참으로 좋고 아름다운 곳이긴 하지만, 그래도 내가 살던 곳을 떠나 이방인으로 살아가고 있다는 느낌을 지우기는 어렵습니다.

  이곳은 많은 사람들이 이방인으로 살아가는 곳입니다. 고향을 떠나서 온 사람들로 인해 나라가 시작되었고, 그 사람들은 이 땅에 살고 있는 원주민들을 내 쫓기도 하면서, 이 부강한 나라를 만들었습니다. 지금은 많은 사람들이 또한 그들의 좀더 나은 인생을 꿈꾸며 이 나라로 들어오는 듯 합니다. 그리고, 지금 제가 배우고 있는 대학에서는 많은 학생들이 자신이 살던 곳을 떠나 이 익숙하지 못한 땅에서 이방인으로서 공부를 하고 있습니다. 그리고, 저도... 이방인으로 살아가는 것은, 익숙하지 못하고 자신에게 무언가 불편한 삶을 살아가고 있다는 것을 뜻하기도 합니다.

  하나님의 계시로 인해 자신이 살던 땅을 떠나 길을 떠났던 아브라함이, 이방의 땅에서 바라보았던 그 별들을, 저도 바라보고 있겠지요. 별은 밤하늘에서 한결같이 빛나고 있지만, 길을 떠난 이방인은 자신의 길이 어떻게 될지를 알지 못합니다. 다만, 조그마한 믿음과 믿음없는 불안한 마음을 가지고 한걸음 한걸음 나아갈 뿐이지요...

  나그네는 자신이 떠나온 곳, 특히나 고향을 그리워하게 되는 것 같습니다. 이곳에서 밤하늘을 바라보며 나그네 된 삶에 대한 생각에 잠긴 아빠처럼, 아인이는 자기가 태어난 이곳을 그리워하며 어딘가에서 생각에 잠기게 될지 모르겠습니다.

Successfulness and fruitfulness

There is a great difference between successfulness and fruitfulness. Success comes from strength, control, and respectability. A successful person has the energy to create something, to keep control over its development, and to make it available in large quantities. Success brings many rewards and often fame. Fruits, however, come from weakness and vulnerability. And fruits are unique. A child is the fruit conceived in vulnerability, community is the fruit born through shared brokenness, and intimacy is the fruit that grows through touching one another's wounds. Let's remind one another that what brings us true joy is not successfulness but fruitfulness. - Henri Nouwen

How can I do for pursuit of true joy?

Spiritual choice

Choices. Choices make the difference. Two people are in the same accident and severely wounded. They did not choose to be in the accident. It happened to them. But one of them chose to live the experience in bitterness, the other in gratitude. These choices radically influenced their lives and the lives of their families and friends. We have very little control over what happens in our lives, but we have a lot of control over how we integrate and remember what happens. It is precisely these spiritual choices that determine whether we live our lives with dignity. - Henri Nouwen

  I want to avoid harmful accidents which make our life struggled. My disease, thyroid cancer, was also a same kind of things. When I think about my disease, I fill that it wouldn't have happened to me. It is a burden of my life. I feel afraid that it may block my career and normal life. However, I have learned God's love and sincerity toward me through my disease. I could know the worthy of my family and time with them. Also, I found that my life doesn't flow as my wish. That is precious wisdom dig out while I went through my disease

Daybreak prayer

  2011 ended and new year started. When I recollect my previous year, I want to say it was a very thankful year. God has given me much grace and led my family sincerely. But, it seems that my life was not sincere to him. I hope to fill my spirit with meaningful things which the Lord gives to me.

  On the first day of the 2012, I heard a preach in the Sunday worship, and the theme of the preach was about 'breakthrough in 2012.' To overcome the usual and meaningless life, the pastor said we need earnest and continuing prayers. I agree. But, I often postpone my prayer time because I always have other things to do - studying, doing homework, caring Ayin, taking a rest, ... I always want to get out of my meaningless and routine life, but always have reasons, which are things of the life, to postpone meaningful things.

  After hearing the preach, my wife suggested to attend the daybreak prayer in the church. I couldn't decide my mind because I love my morning sleeping time so much. It is so difficult for me to wake up early. I worried to be tired if I would wake up so early. I wanted to rest myself. But, what is need for me and my wife is spiritual breakthrough. Anyway, we should wake up in the morning early because Ayin wakes up early. She usually starts to sleep at 6 p.m. and gets up 5 ~ 6 a.m. One of us should play with her after she wakes up. So, we decided to attend daybreak prayer in the church although going with Ayin requires some preparations.

  On Jan 2, we succeeded to attend the daybreak prayer meeting. My good daughter had slept well during the night and waked up at 5:40 a.m. Wow!! We packed Ayin's goods and went to the church.

  It was the first step for breakthrough in 2012. I don't know whether it will continue to the end of the year or not. Perhaps, I might get very tired. However, I know that my routine days will go on unless I change the priority of my life. I don't want show my meaningless life to my heavenly Father, Ayin and Jeongeun. The change may be small, but the time given to God will not be small.

He alone is my refuge

This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him. The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. (Psalm 91: 2, 14)

  I am reading the Bible with chronological order. This psalm is Moses'. I completed reading Deuteronomy, and I could see Moses' last day in the world. In his life, he led the Israelite from the Egypt to Canaan, where the God had promised with Israelite's ancestor Abraham. He was a great prophet. He knew the God face to face. However, he should wander in wilderness in his all life, and he couldn't enter the promised land finally. He died while seeing land of Canaan.

  I believe this psalm is Moses' true confession in his life. Although he couldn't enter the prosper land, he confessed that the God is alone refuge to those who love the God. At the last time of his life, it was Moses' confession. What will be my confession in my life?

The reason why God selected a human

The Lord did not set his heart on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other nations, for you were the smallest of all nations! Rather, it was simply that the Lord loves you, and he was keeping the oath he had sworn to your ancestors. That is why the Lord rescued you with such a strong hand from your slavery and from the oppressive had of Pharaoh, king of Egypt. (Deuteronomy 7:7~8)

  I am not able to know why God selected and saved me. Also, it is mysterious that God loves people who disobey and refuse Him. Someone say that they need something good in order to be selected and saved by God. But, it is not true. God's selection is by his own will and his promise toward people. Good, faithful, sincere, strong, ... People may say there should be virtues needed for being saved. However, all virtues are meaningless in the presence of God, for God is "who am I" and incomparable.

Trust in wilderness

And you saw how the LORD your God cared for you all along the way as you traveled through the wilderness, just as a father care for his children. Now he has brought you to this place. But even after all he did, you refused to trust the LORD your God. (Deuteronomy 1:31~32)

  I am willing to confess that my God have cared and led my life. Through my journey, sometimes I felt harsh in my life, however, I believe that all thing is in His good will. And, now I live in not my homeland but a strange land as a foreigner. That situation is something like Israelite's life in wilderness. They were also foreigner and they couldn't settle in the promised land. They should wander the wilderness because of their rebellion to God. Although they had seen many miracles and experienced guidance by God who delivered them from Egypt, they refused to trust the God due to their difficult situation.

  I also experienced God's sincere care for me especially through times in preparation of studying and curing my thyroid cancer. Nevertheless, I might commit a sin to refuse to trust God because of difficult situations and unexpected happenings in my contemporary life. I hope I won't repeat Israelite's wandering. I pray I can trust God sincerely during my life journey.